It's still hard for us know how to talk about autism to others when we are just starting this journey ourselves.

Parenting a child with autism has been the most difficult experience of my life, and it has brought about the most positive changes in myself.

After our oldest daughter was born, it was hard not to congratulate ourselves on the wonderful job we were doing parenting her -- she was a model toddler citizen. It was easy to pass judgment on misbehaving kids, because obviously that was their parents' fault. My judgment on others has come back to bite me so many times now, I couldn't even count.

Ben looks like a regular little 3-year-old boy. You would almost expect him to start talking to you about his Band Aid on his knee or how his Mimi is coming to visit him. Rather, what you will see is him screeching in church, or throwing his food or riding in a stroller meant for an infant. I have learned never to judge because you can never know another person's situation.

When Ben was diagnosed with autism at 2 it was no big surprise; he had developmental delays. It took us a full year to really accept it. We thought we could just get the therapy, the "early intervention," and he would be fixed. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

The grief is constant. We do not know what caused Ben's autism. My husband and I are both very social people -- we have advanced degrees, lots of friends, good families, great health. It doesn't make sense that we would have a child with a disability. I want everyone to know that regular people have children with autism.

Ben makes progress. It is just so painfully slow; he still does not speak at age 3.5 years. The fear of the unknown is the scariest part. We really believe that Ben can and will accomplish great things. He is extremely smart. His memory is fantastic, and he can find patterns in just about any situation. He knows directions all around the Triangle.

There is a saying, "Just because I can't speak doesn't mean I don't have anything to say." Ben defines that. But we also have to let our minds wander to "what if this doesn't turn out like we hope?" and plan for that worst case.

One of the more difficult parts of parenting a child with autism is advocating for his needs. Before Ben, I probably assumed that social services and schools would help people with disabilities; after all, there are laws and such. Unfortunately, it's not that simple. We have found our greatest support in perfect strangers who have no obligation to help our son -- they just do it because they want to -- in organizations like the Arc, other parents of autistic children, professionals who work with the children for far less money than they deserve.

A very good friend of mine, who also has a child with autism, said that having one 3-year-old with autism is like having 10 3-year-olds. I think that is a good analogy because, of course, the challenging behavior but also because the rewards are that much greater. Being Ben's mom has made me tired and emotionally and physically exhausted. It also has made me grow in ways I would have never imagined.